Romantic Relationships

• Not knowing who you are or what you want: It is much better to know yourself, including your likes and dislikes. Then you will know and be able to convey exactly what you want.
• How you value yourself is key: If you respect yourself, you will attract other people who respect you too. Furthermore, you will not even consider as potential partners those people who will not respect you and treat you well.
• Being Desperate: This consists of the conviction that you need another person to love you in order for you to be okay. This is using a relationship as a quick fix for little or no self-esteem. You become a beggar not a chooser, and you usually end up settling for anyone who comes along. And anyone who dates you is essentially agreeing that you are nothing without them.
• Rescuing: The basis for this sort of relationship is one of pity or sympathy. This person needs me desperately. People who agree to this sort of relationship believe that taking care of someone is the only way they have to earn love. If they need me then they will love me and keep me around. The question is do you want to take care of this person for the rest of your life? And what happens if this person no longer needs you in this way?
• Using the wrong bait: A fishing metaphor: for example, using casual sex as bait is guaranteed to catch those who are interested in only one thing.
• Looking for the missing parts of myself: Sometimes we are attracted to our opposites. We wish we could be more like them, so we are drawn to them. It is best, however, to develop that side of yourself rather than relying on someone else to do it for you. Quite often those opposite qualities and characteristics can cause conflict later in the relationship.
• Fear of being hurt: Sometimes the fear of being hurt in a relationship might lead you to choose those people you know you will never really commit to in a deep way. This is a safe way of having a relationship without the risk. An example of this sort of relationship would be only getting involved with people who are already married.
• Fear of commitment: Having to make a final decision that this is THE person for you can be hard for some people. Saying yes to one person means saying no to all the others. Sometimes this shows up when you keep waiting for the absolutely perfect partner, or when you are so critical of every person you date that no one meets your standards.
• Gravitating towards what we recognize and are comfortable with: It is very easy to believe that all relationships are like the ones we saw growing up. For example, being around alcoholic or abusive men feels normal because that is what you grew up with. For others, a dominant, controlling woman feels right. Look hard at what is familiar to you and you may want to make a choice not to repeat that pattern in your relationships.

The following list of questions are things you can ask yourself to aid in evaluating your relationship:

• Can we be ourselves with each other?
• Can we accept and cherish each other just the way we are - without reservations?
• Do we enjoy each other’s company?
• Do we respect and understand each other even when we disagree?
• Do we bring out the best in each other?
• Do we act in each other’s best interests?
• Do we know and understand each other well enough to know how each other thinks, how each other tend to react to things, and what things are important to each other?
• Are we prepared to give the utmost to each other if needed?
• Can we trust each other with our lives, our children, and everything else that is dear to us?
• Is this person so fascinating that I can imagine spending a lifetime getting to know him or her?
• Can I imagine myself with this person 5, 10, 20, 50 years from now?

When you are stating an opinion, making an observation or expressing a feeling, the most appropriate format to use is called an “I-statement.” I-statements allow us to state things in positive terms, to express ourselves directly and honestly, and to take responsibility for what we think, feel and need while avoiding blaming or accusing others.

In contrast, “You-statements” blame the other person, put your partner on the defensive, and often cause communication to be blocked.

To simplify things, we can use a kind of “formula” for I-statements: “I feel/think/want (express the feeling/thought/desire)… when (state the behavior causing it)… because (identify the reason)…” The nice thing about this formula is that we can decide how much of it we want to use; it can just be the first line, the first two lines, or all three.

When other people are expressing themselves, it is not appropriate to use I-statements when responding. A more effective technique is called “reflection.”

Reflection is saying back, in your own words, the content and/or feeling of what the other person just said. Reflection does not question, challenge, argue, approve, or disapprove. We can use a formula, similar to that used for expressing yourself, for reflection: “Sounds like you’re feeling/thinking/wanting (express the emotion, thought, desire you hear…) because (state the reason you heard it…).”

Reflection requires us to listen very carefully to what the other person is actually saying. Yet we also do NOT have to be right in identifying the emotion or reason we hear because the speaker will automatically clarify it for us and sometimes for him/her in the process.

• Deal with one problem at a time.
• Focus on issues in the present, not the past; don’t dredge up old grievances.
• Adopt a win-win strategy; there is a problem to be solved, not a victory to be won.
• Be clear and specific both in your complaints and in your requests for change.
• Suggest some possible solutions to the problems you present; be reasonable and realistic in your statements.
• Check out your assumptions no matter how “obvious” they might be to you or how “certain” you are about your partner’s views.
• Ask yourself whether the conflict is the result of miscommunication and misunderstanding.
• Choose an appropriate time and place to be open and honest about your feelings and needs; don’t choose public places where embarrassment is probable.
• Use tact and timing; don’t bring up important issues in a moment when there is neither time nor energy to resolve them.
• Don’t use unfair or dirty tactics; this means no bullying, ridiculing, name-calling, accusing, blame withholding, mimicking, or exaggerating.
• Show your partner respect.
• Don’t nag, whine, preach, or lecture; these behaviors will only erode your relationship.
• Avoid arguing over the “truth” or “who is right.” People have feelings that need to be heard and accepted; these feelings are neither true nor false.
• Listen, listen, and listen.

This information about expressing yourself and responding to others was retrieved and adapted from “Passage to Intimacy” by Lori H. Gordon, Ph.D. and “Love is Never Enough” by Aaron Beck, M.D.

When a breakup occurs, regardless of who initiated it, there is a huge hole in your life for a time; feelings of loss are normal. Unfortunately, there is not an easy answer but here is a list of things to keep in mind:

• You grieve a lot, and in between the grieving, you work at filling in the vacuum.
• You go out with friends instead of your ex-partner.
• You try new activities, things you did not have time to do before when you were in a relationship.
• You stay busy; don’t be surprised when grief blindsides you at odd, unexpected moments.
• Give yourself permission to feel the loss.