Stay sober while behind the wheel

J. Bryant Roberts
Staff Writer

Dogwood and azalea blossoms signal the end of a typical winter in Florida. It’s time to put the sled dogs out to pasture, and wax up the surfboard. Summer brings its own set of rigorous challenges to those escaping the stress of campus life.
Not the least of summer’s worries will be how to avoid becoming an alcohol-related traffic statistic.
There are basically two types of alcohol-related traffic statistics to avoid. One way to become a statistic is to be hit by a drunk driver.
This is to be avoided at all costs.
The other way to become a statistic involves more personal control and can easily be avoided altogether. Showing up in the police log for a Driving Under the Influence is a distasteful way to get your name published in the local press over the summer.
Here are a few ways to avoid this.
The most obvious, and cheapest, is to not get drunk. You could buy all your books for next fall, and read them over the summer.
I was just kidding, put that gun down.
Or, if you were to somehow find yourself descended into the depths of inebriation, you could decide to sit at home and write a really gripping letter to the editor delivering a scathing rebuke to some editorial writer you have come to loathe intensely. This could be fun.
If you will be traveling to New Mexico, you will be excited to know that the state Legislature has already taken steps to help in your quest to remain a non-statistic. It appears that these very learned and astute parliamentarians have passed a law requiring all new cars sold in-state to be equipped with a Breathalyzer hooked up to the ignition.
Wow, are they smart or what? Every time you get in your car, and periodically as you drive along, this thing will cut your engine off if you blow while intoxicated.
But there are some unanswered questions.
If you are driving to Maine, do you have to puff this pipe all the way or can you just stick it out the window now and then? Are there two pipes, so passengers can puff too? Will it work if you make your dog bark into it? Do cops have these and if so can they turn them off during high-speed chases? Can this thing be hooked up to a bong?
Seriously folks, don’t drink and drive this summer, or any other time either. Trust me, you are going to have enough problems in life without a DUI arrest following you around. Those kinds of statistics just don’t go away.
I’ll be leaving early this year. I am spending the summer in New Mexico marketing my latest invention. It’s a miniature compressed air spray can to be sold in convenience stores. If someone had told me a year ago that I could sell air for five bucks a can, I would have thought they were nuts. Don’t you just love this country?
Have a great summer, and be safe.