SKILLS

OF

LIVING

A Complete Course in You and
What You Can Do About Yourself

William L. Mikulas

Copyright © 1983 by

William L. Mikulas

University Press of American Inc.

4720 Boston Way

Lanham, MD 20706

3 Henrietta Street

London WC2E 8LU England

All rights reserved

Printed in the United States of America

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Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Mikulas, William L.

Skills of living.

1.	Life skills. I. Title.

HQ2037.M54

1983

158.l

83-10367

ISBN 0-81 91-3340-X

ISBN 0-8191-3341-8 (pbk.)

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews.

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for BENITA.

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CONTENTS

ABOUT THIS BOOK			1
SECTION ONE: GENERAL APPROACH
	BASIC STRATEGY		3
		Will Power?	4
		Understanding vs. action	4
		Relax	5
		Set up a program	6
		Take small steps	7
		Revise your program	8
		Help from others	8
		Summary	9
	KNOW YOURSELF		11
		Written records	12
		When and where?	14
		What do you do?	15
		What happens?	15
		What you will find?	15
		Goals	16
SECTION TWO: GENERAL TECHNIQUES
	INTRODUCTION TO SECTION TWO		17
	CHANGE OF SCENE		19
		Remove	19
		Avoid	20
		Restrict	20
		Remindes	21
		The big change	22
		Social support	22
	RELAXING BODY AND MIND		25
		Relaxation area and time	26
		Diaphragm breathing	27
		Deep breathing	28
		Muscle relaxation	28
		Muscle relaxation list	31
		Muscle relaxation practice	32
		Meditation	33
		Suggested reading	38
	CALM AND RELAXED LIVING		39
		Practice in relaxation area	39
		Into the world	41
		Other aids	42
		Sleeping problems	43
		Suggested reading	45
	GETTING MOTIVATED		47
		Rewards	48
		Types of rewards	49
		Simple contracts	50
		Complex contracts	51
		Example	53
	GETTING ORGANIZED		57
		Memory aids	57
		Lists	59
		Priorities	60
		Suggested Reading	61
	OUT OF HABIT
		Good habits	63
		Bad habits	64
		Nervous habits	64
		Desires	66
		Disrupt the sequence	67
		Overloading	68
		Unpleasant assocations	68
		Suggested reading	70
	WHAT DO YOU THINK		71
		Postive thinking	71
		Basic principles	72
		Changing your mind	72
		Developing mental flexibility	73
		Quieting the mind	73
		Observing thinking	73
		Evaluating thoughts	74
		Take action	76
		Reducing undesired thoughts	76
		Increasing desired thoughts	78
		All together	80
		Talking to yourself	80
		Suggested reading	81
	MENTAL REHEARSAL		83
		Examples	84
		Variations	85
		Suggested reading	86
	NUTRITION AND EXERCISE		89
		Getting in touch	89
		Nutrition	90
		General nutrition principles	91
		Weight loss	92
		Exercise	92
		General conditioning	93
		Muscle tone and posture	93
		Flexibility	94
		Burning calories	94
		Meditation	95
		General exercise principles	95
		Suggested reading	97
SECTION THREE: SPECIAL PROBLEMS
	INTRODUCTION TO SECTION THREE		99
	FEARS		101
		Relax	102
		Know your fear	102
		Infrequent specific fears	104
		Non-specific fears	105
		Anxiety hierarchy	106
		Sample hierarchies	107
		Reducing your fears: imagination	108
		Reducing your fears: real world	110
		Additional ills	111
		Suggested reading	111
	EATING AND WEIGHT CONTROL		113
		Observe your eating	114
		Small steps	115
		Setting up a program	115
		Feelings	116
		Thoughts	116
		Remove and avoid	116
		Restrict	117
		Meals	118
		Desires	120
		Support from others	120
		Social eating	121
		Long-term maintenance	121
		Suggested reading	122
	SMOKING		123
		How did you begin?	123
		But why continue?	123
		A stop smoking program	124
		Reasons to stop	124
		Excuses	126
		Observe your smoking	127
		Feelings and thoughts	127
		Remove, avoid, restrict	128
		Make smoking a commotion	129
		Make smoking less desirable	129
		Alternatives for hands and mouth	129
		Quitting	130
		Staying a non-smoker	132
		Suggested reading	133
	ALCOHOL		135
		Do you having a drinking problem?	136
		Reducing drinking	136
		Reasons to decrease drinking	137
		Observe your drinking	137
		Related problems	138
		Thoughts	139
		Remove and avoid	139
		Alternatives	139
		Decreasing desires	140
		Cutting down	140
		Staying free	141
		Suggested reading	142
	SEX		142
		Uptightness	143
		Inadequate education	144
		Troublesome beliefs	145
		Sexual development	147
		Professional help?	148
		Get the facts	148
		Know yourself	149
		Communication	150
		Medical checkup	152
		Anxiety	153
		General principles	153
		Specific dysfunctions	154
		Sexual fantasies	159
		Conclusion	163
		Suggested reading	163
	LEARNING AND REMEMBERING		165
		Memory aids	165
		Attention	165
		Association	166
		Mental imagery	168
		Memory system	169
		Studying	169
		SQ3R	171
		Suggested reading	173
SECTION FOUR: EFFECTIVE AND HAPPY LIVING
	INTRODUCTION TO SECTION FOUR		175
	PERSONAL FREEDOM		177
		Becoming freer	177
		Simple examples	178
		Personal freedom	179
		Suggested reading	181
	HAPPINESS		183
		Sources of pleasure	183
		Your happiness	183
		Pleasure and happiness	184
		What doesn't work	186
		What does work	188
		You are responsible	190
		Becoming happier	190
		Beyond happiness	191
		Suggested reading	191
	LOVE
		Unconditional acceptance	194
		Love yourself unconditionally	194
		Loving others	195
		Aggression	196
		Suggested reading	198
	INNER PEACE		199
		Your center	199
		Quieting your mind	200
		Opening your heart	201
		Unconditional acceptance	201
		Going with the flow	203
		Being centered	204
	MINDFULNESS		205
		Meditation	205
		General mindfulness	207
		Mindfulness of behavior	209
		Mindfulness of body	209
		Mindfulness of perceptions	210
		Mindfulness of feelings	211
		Mindfulness of mind	212
		The witness	213
		Be mindful	214
		Suggested reading	214
	COMMUNCIATION		215
		Listening	215
		Honesty	216
		I versus you messages	218
		Problem-solving	219
		Suggested reading	219
	CHOOSING A COUNSELOR		221
FEEDBACK			225
TECHNICAL OVERVIEW			227

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There are two different prefaces to this book. For the general reader the first chapter (About This Book) is the preface ‘and you should start there (p. 1). For professionals (e.g. counselors, psychologists, college professors) I have included a second “preface” (Technical Overview) at the end of the book (p. 227).

For the content of this book I am indebted to numerous sources and disciplines. I have particularly learned from my major teachers: my students, clients, and workshop participants. In the preparation of the book I received major and significant help from my partner and best friend, Benita. She made numerous suggestions about style and content. She also typed all drafts of the book, a task that was often tedious. I also want to thank several friends who made comments on specific chapters: Rod Voss (chap. 13), Dave Red— fering (19), Bryan Standley (22), and Jack Keller (28).

WLM

April 1983